Thursday, March 6, 2014

Woulda Shoulda Coulda

I hate feeling the need to state the following.... I don't regret that I chose to have my abortion, but I do consider what would have happened if I had continued the pregnancy (and if it had resulted in a healthy pregnancy and a living breathing child today).

I would have a child that would be three years old next month (given my due date of April 23rd).

And I imagine that child would be a kick ass bundle of awesomeness.  I imagine that my son would be an amazing older brother to that child.  I can almost see what would be playing out in my home.... laughterjoylovefrustrationmessmessmesslackofsleepnoshortageoffunbondingmemoriesmade.

I will forever regret my son does not have a brother or sister. 

Forever. It breaks my heart just a little bit. I have to let it go.

Take a hold of your life, people. Please....don't let time slip by. Don't let things that are truly important to you slip through your fingers.  Grab a hold of them for dear life. Someday it will be much too late.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Dear Self

This weekend, one of the wisest men you know (your 16 year old son) said to you...."Mom, don't look back on this period of your life and regret you didn't fight for the happiness you want and deserve". This thought keeps weaving through my mind (your  mind... our mind).

I saw this article today on Elephant Journal. Fight for What you Don't Want

Interesting concept.  Right now I think it is almost easier to define what I don't want as opposed to what I desire want need crave giveme giveme now.

So, following the lead of the article, today I am going to tell you what I don't want.  I am hoping you read this in the future and realize you walked in a way that showed these items to be truths.

I know today, February 25, 2014 that:

1. I don't want to keep my guard up any longer. Vulnerability can be beautiful.  And painful. Beautifully painful.  Let it happen. What is the problem, Angie?  Surround yourself with people you can be yourself with, trust.  And if you can't.... release the hold.
2. Which leads to..... I don't want to keep hiding ME. This means you have to live in a way you are proud of, heavy, I know.
3. I don't want to walk on egg shells in my own home.  The same goes for my son.  This does not mean you decide rules and discipline are bad.  They aren't.... order is necessary.  Allowing anxiety and stress to overcome all else is ugly, unhealthy, and killing you.  All of you.  #3 has to change. Today, what you know is that #4 will happen if #3 continues....
4. I don't want to leave but I will. Life is too short, a certain amount of peace is necessary in your life or you, your family, they all lose. Your son will graduate high school in a little over two years.  ENJOY this time, love him, support him... he is going to fuck shit up.  Let him know he did and that you will get through it together.  That's what being a parent is all about.  If other people can't get on board with that idea, you leave.  You leave. You leave.  Do you understand that?
5. I don't want to make any decision based upon fear.

You need to keep this poem around, Self. Print and frame it.

She let go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

by Rev. Safire Rose

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

A gentle breeze

Yes, my friend, it has been one hell of a year (you know who you are, but just in case, I will give you a hint... E!).

You made me cry today.  I think it was a culmination of things... your honesty, strength, bravery, friendship, ability to forgive and love.

I think our choices we made, our abortions, I think they were eye opening for very different reasons.  We woke up.  The difference is that we are both doing different things with our awakening.

I am in a place much like you, and I am crying because I am jealous of your new choice. It's not because I am not capable of making the same one, but for some reason my feet are stuck in cement.  Maybe I needed your email, perhaps it will act as a jackhammer, breaking me free.

Thank you for emailing me a year ago.  YOU have inspired me and given me strength.

I hope someday our paths cross, my saran wrap friend.  We share that characteristic as well.

Thinking about you and your children.

Friday, November 22, 2013

F*ck it

It is a chilly November day... sipping on my Pumpkin spice latte...thoughtful.  The usual things brewing in my; progress; where I want certain relationships to be three weeks, three months, three years from now....Say Something by Great Big World playing in the background.  Then this falls into my view.....

My F*ck It List

You know how sometimes you just happen upon something that opens your eyes, lets the light in through the blinds on the window to your room? Well, this did it today. Thank you, Kathleen Emmets.

Monday, November 11, 2013

My mother: memory loss

My mom visited me two weekends ago.  The men went to an athletic event, we did some bonding.  Dinner, movie, chatter.

Here is an excerpt from our talk.

Me: blah blah blah marriage blah blah blah
Mom: mmm hmmm
Me: blah blah blah and that's why i had my abortion blah blah blah
Mom: you had an abortion.  i didn't know. when did you have an abortion?

Time fucking out.
Time out right there.

I wanted to say.... excuse me?  Ummmm I told you and you said we had more in common than I realized.  Your other daughter, my sister, ripped you for not talking to me about it with the exception of the "we have more in common than you realize" response..  Did I just hear you correctly?  WHAT THE HELL.

Instead I said...

Me: yes, mom, i had an abortion on October 1, 2010.  blah blah blah
Mom: mmm hmmmm


How did we get to this place? I don't even recognize this relationship.

And this is why I don't open up.  In case I ever wondered... here it is in black and white.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Pick me up

I love that when I am feeling like this.....

somehow she reaches out and I feel lighter.  Amazing... the power of a friend I have never met.

Thinking about you, E.

Monday, September 30, 2013

Abortionversary times three

hi.  I cannot believe it has been three years. So much time and in so many ways I have hardly moved.

can i be honest with you, my blog?  cut me open, baring all of what's inside to you?  of course i cannot, because then i would say things that i could not take back, irrevocable truths that would leave a trail in my wake. 

i was watching fast & furious the other night.  in one place, mia says to brian "Maybe you're lying to yourself. Maybe you're not the good guy pretending to be the bad guy. Maybe you're the bad guy pretending to be the good guy. Did you ever think about that?" to which brian responds "Everyday".


I re-read this blog today. New eyes from the first 5333 times I have scoured it, cried over it, analyzed it looking for that thing, that answer I am missing, for a light to turn on. Nope. It's all me, the good... bad...and lots of ugly. The truth with land mines and pit falls strewn about. My voice changing, maturing. My focus re-directed. 

To summarize, here is what I have learned about myself since October 1, 2010.

I am a smiling slumpasaurus that lives to rekindle other people's spirits and forgets (prob deliberately) to nurture her own. I am an avoider of the hard, naked truth. I am scared. I fear letting others down. I am terrified of needing, truly depending on anyone for anything. ANY single thing. I don't trust. I will protect my child with every little bit of me. I wish wish wish I had birthed another, given my son a sibling, giving me what I craved, what I fought for over the years.

I am a grinning guffawing lover not a fighter trapped in a cage that I put myself in. A cage with a door left ajar. 

I am the kind of woman, friend, that will listen to people for hours, do whatever i can for them, listen, cry, opening myself to fixing, restoring whatever I can for them. Yet here I am, three years after my abortion,  ten months after my fathers death, eight months after my grandmothers death and epiphanies with my mother, the book she sent me to help in our communication unopened on my bedside table, here I am still repressing, denying, burying, unwilling to dare greatly, to be me. To be vulnerable. What an incredibly fucked up beautiful past year this has been.

I am an emotionally controlled woman that you would never guess from looking at me is bursting with feelings about so many things...... the pavement, the inside of my car, the trail, the birds in the trees, the squirrels outside my building at work, my buddy.... they are the only things that see me, who I am, that hear my voice. That know.

I am complicatedly simple and...
I need to take care of myself, not my struggle, lucky because 
I have hope. I have strength. And I have me. 

I am Angie, Ommama of years past, who knows, gets it, eyes wide open. My journey these past years has been less about my abortion and more about me, what led me to the point in my life that I made that choice, where I would be married to a man I wouldn't dare parent another child with. That, my blog, is the real story. And the tragedy. The real failure.

And that is where the truth has to come into play. Choices.
Sometimes making no choice is the choice we make.

Three years ago today I went to bed with a heavy heart. I would wake up the next day, have an abortion, a choice that I believe made me a better human, a choice I am happy with still today. And tomorrow, October 1, 2013, i will get up, listen to the music that defined that day for me and work on loving me a little better, and start reading that book my mom sent me.  I have work to do.