Thursday, October 23, 2014

Reflections on number 4

Last time I posted was over four months ago. What a strange road these months have taken me down. Conflict. New challenges. Reflection.  Reconnecting with old friends. Sharing. Baring myself.

Then there has been October. The month of transition for me.  Reliving.  Reflecting. The month of my abortion.  My 17 year old son's birth.  And then recently my sister's miscarriage at almost three months.

Pain.  Vulnerability.  Mourning. Celebration.  Loss.  Looking ahead.

What strikes me as odd looking back these four months, the journey, the bumpy ass road I have been traveling down.... what really gets me deep is that I am good.  I am fairly open.  Fairly is an odd choice of word, yes, but fairly... if you know me... you know that fairly gets a high five, a YESSSSS, and is a helluva lot of progress.

And how I got there, you might ask... well, I simply shared. In one situation in my life, I put the STOP on being a jackass.  I opened.  Bared myself. In doing that, it is amazing how much better I feel. Did I get the response I desired? Not really. But all the same, I dared greatly, and for that I am happier.  And I learned something.... my walls are doing me no good.  They are not protecting me from anything... they are doing the opposite.  My walls, they only hurt me.

Let's keep those walls tumbling down.

Angie


Monday, June 9, 2014

Time to hit the iron bell

There is a passage in a book from one of my fave authors, Cheryl Strayed.  If you have not read Wild, go go go and buy it, get it on audiobook... pure magic, but some of her greatest work, in my opinion, comes from her Dear Sugar advice column that I used to follow on the Rumpus pre-release of WildTiny Beautiful Things is a book that compiles many of her best into a sweet honest raw strong work that I just soak up over and over and makes me feel bigger more alive ready to tackle my life. Gently.

The first letter in the book is from a man named Johnny who's been through a divorce, is with a new woman and is struggling with the following question... "When is it right to take that big step and say I love you? And what is this "love" thing all about? "  And whether or not we are all in the same situation, the advice that Sugar (Cheryl Strayed) gives him in return is something I keep going back to, actually dogeared the page.  She shares some of her own story, addresses some points he made, but in the end she says the following:

"Do it. Doing so will free your relationship from the tense tangle that withholding weaves. Do you realize that your refusal to utter the word "love" to your lover has created a force field all its own? Withholding distorts reality. It makes the people who do the withholding ugly and small-hearted. It makes the people from whom things are withheld crazy and desperate and incapable of knowing what they actually feel. So release yourself from that. Don't be strategic or coy. Strategic and coy are for jackasses. Be brave. Be authentic. Practice saying the word "love" to people you love so when it matters the most to say it, you will.  We're all going to die, Johnny.  Hit the iron bell like it's dinnertime." 

I think this is applicable to so many things... the idea of the damage that withholding does... withholding our words, our truth... withholding it from others, from ourselves. Getting in our own way of really living, loving, being... due to over analyzing, planning, swallowing words that we should be releasing from our lips.

I have spent way too much time being a jackass.





Thursday, May 29, 2014

I want to know.

The Invitation

By Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
And if you dare to dream of meeting
Your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
For love, for your dream,
For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
If you have been opened by life’s betrayals,
Or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain,
Mine or your own,
Without moving
To hide it or fade it or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy,
Mine or your own,
If you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic,
or to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself,
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
I want to know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty every day,
And if you can source your life
From its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure,
Yours and mine,
And still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes!”
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair,
Weary and bruised to the bone,
And do what needs to be done for the children.
It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the center of the fire with me
And not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
From the inside
When all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone
With yourself,
And if you truly like the company you keep
In the empty moments.

*************************************

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

But do not hide your face

From... On the Pulse of Morning by Maya Angelou
*****************************************************************
A Rock, A River, A Tree
Hosts to species long since departed,
Marked the mastodon.
The dinosaur, who left dry tokens
Of their sojourn here
On our planet floor,
Any broad alarm of their hastening doom
Is lost in the gloom of dust and ages.

But today, the Rock cries out to us, clearly, forcefully,
Come, you may stand upon my
Back and face your distant destiny,
But seek no haven in my shadow.

I will give you no more hiding place down here.

You, created only a little lower than
The angels, have crouched too long in
The bruising darkness,
Have lain too long
Face down in ignorance.

Your mouths spilling words
Armed for slaughter.

The Rock cries out today, you may stand on me,
But do not hide your face.


Tuesday, May 20, 2014

First Response

I took a pregnancy test today. I have not had the "pleasure" of peeing on a stick since August of 2010. I have been seriously fatigued, breasts and nipples sore and tender, nausea. No skipped menstrual cycle, however with the pill I am on, I do not have a period. I decided I better rule out pregnancy due to my symptoms.

And I did.

When you don't want to be pregnant, the time that elapses between the moment the possibility of pregnancy seeps into your mind until you see the single line come up in the window..... painful, long, painfully long... Terrible.  I am not pregnant, but I am having a hard time getting out of the funk that put me in.

Complicated mess. Cause and effect. Risk vs. Outcome.

I would not have another abortion.  I will not have another abortion. If I ever get pregnant again, if I ever get pregnant again and do not miscarry, I will give birth to the child. This does not mean I want to be pregnant and have another child.  I don't.  But if it ever happens (with the exception of circumstances out of my control such as rape), I know what my choice will be.





Monday, May 12, 2014

May of 2013: Flashback

I have a habit of checking my views. Someone is looking at my posts from May of last year and that led me to look at them again. Whoever you are.... thank you.  I needed to reflect, just didn't realize it until now.

I began with Revolution. This was inspired by E (E is the she).

*****************
May 16, 2013

"Be the spark", she said.

I googled that phrase... "be the spark".  Here I would find lyrics to a song that I have never heard, and honestly, how could this have been more right on?  Really.  Take a look. The group, Mindset (I am not making that up) and the song "Be the Spark".

"More than words, this is a revolution...
When problems arise, be the solution. 
The change has got to come from deep within 
but you've got to pull the trigger for the race to begin.
The world is falling apart. 
Apathy is a crime.

WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS ONE ROCK AT A TIME.

If it's gotta start somewhere, it's going to start with me.
Become the change you want to see.

Be the change you want to see.

Sometimes it seems like it can't be done, 
but if I don't care why should anyone? 
You want to start a fire? Be the spark.

It's going to take a fire to light the dark."


***************
May 12, 2014

There is a great advantage to blogging, keeping a diary.  We get to look back and see just how far we have come along.... or realize we did a whole lot of staying in the same place.

One of the many times I ignored such a simple truth that was staring me in the face is evident right now.  I was effected, googled, wrote a post, and essentially shut the book on that topic.

Be the spark. Mindset.

Sometimes it seems like it can't be done, but if I don't care why should anyone?



Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Stop analyzing and just be

I received some advice from someone recently.  He told me.... Stop analyzing and just be.

I think the fact that a male shared these words with me is something worth pointing out ;)  Against his advice, I would like to analyze those words for a moment.... just be.

What does that mean? Just be... in the moment?  Yourself?  Just be happy fun carefree?  Just be oblivious to the truth, to reality... just be apathetic?  Just be different than who I am, what I love about who I am?  Just be less honest, open and vulnerable? Just be how you envision me.... how you want me to be? Just be a rule follower, maybe more of an "adult"?  Just be like a duck, should I be calm on the surface but paddle like hell beneath the water... where you never see the restlessness unless you choose to put your head under the water and look?

Just be, he said.

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
Guillaume Apolinnaire

And then I chill out, take a deep breath, read words like the above quote and I get it.